life on the fence

the distant future

2008-08-19T07:45:00.002-05:00

i feel distant, removed, lagging behind. it seems like there's an endless list of things to do - both professionally and personally - that i've almost given up on getting them all done. i like to think of prioritization as an intentional reworking of the order of your list, but in my case prioritization is just the default of procrastinating the things i don't want to do so long that they become urgent. ah, the feel of a deadline crunch. (/sarcasm)

sometimes i feel like i'm just spinning my wheels, never moving ahead, just wearing myself out in the same situations, projects, efforts, health concerns, faith, and desires. is this just a phase - one that we all go through every now and then - or is it a sign of something deeper, perhaps preparation for a new calling or set up for a life change?

i need to learn to be more content. to listen to myself more. to take times of rest. to enjoy what i do now, today, at the present. i'm on the road to discovering that enjoying where i'm at now - with all of its glorious faults - does not limit me from dreaming and planning for the future.

luck of the irish

2008-03-17T12:26:00.002-05:00

i don't have a lot of vividly clear early childhood memories. i remember that i had a pretty good childhood, but i only have a handful of memories that haven't faded in the years since.

i remember when i was around 7 and my pet turtle crawled out of his tank and i thought he was lost. i searched all over the house for him and then cried myself to sleep on the floor of my bedroom, only to wake up the next morning and find him right next to me. i was so grateful.

i remember in third grade sunday school when this boy (who shall remain nameless) farted and i threw up on my purple jumper. the teacher had to get my parents from big church to take me home. i was so mortified.

i remember playing "alaskan wilderness" with my little brother in the backyard and in the creek that ran behind it. we would steal beef jerkey out of the kitchen and pretend that we were lost in alaska with some dried bear jerkey as the only food we had available. i loved that.

the memory that randomly popped into my mind today (st. patrick's day) is of my elementary school girlfriends and i huddling in a small patch of grass on the playground during recess. little clovers were scattered all over that patch and we would spend day after day looking for the elusive four leaf clover, convinced that if we found it our wildest wish would come true. i was so innocent.

i'm not irish so st. patrick's day doesn't mean much to me, but i do like to think of it as a jolly holiday - one where friends get together for a beer at the local tavern, where families line the streets for the annual parade, and where little girls huddle on a playground somewhere looking for their own piece of irish luck.

it's been a long time

2008-02-29T08:55:00.004-06:00

can you consider yourself a victim if you voluntarily engage in behavior that is bound to backfire? i'd like to consider myself a victim (or hostage?), but quite frankly, it's my own fault. been thinking about this blog lately, and feeling a little guilty for my neglect of it. facebook has captivated my attention these days, making this little 'ole blog feel outdated and a bit obsolete. but, while facebook is fun and interactive, i realized this morning that it has made me feel a bit superficial. lengthy heartfelt posts about spiritual insights or life happenings have given way to one sentence status updates or quick comments in between scrabble moves. genuine insight into where i'm at in my journey has given way to quick blurbs about what i had for lunch or how i'm really glad it's friday.

maybe it doesn't matter all that much. those who visit my blog are probably the handful that i actually communicate with on a semi-regular basis anyway and who already understand the way i think. they're already in the know about how i'm trying to rediscover my passion for the faith, how i have no idea who the next president should be, how concerned i am that chris and i haven't been able to get pregnant, how i'm desperate to focus my career on my consulting biz, how there's the possibility of chris getting a job out of state, how i've really failed at my lenten commitment this year, how i live for the weekends because they bring a little respite and rest, how i've recommitted myself to eating better and getting back in shape, or how glad i am my brother is moving back to missouri. they're the people i walk life with.

in this way, i guess this thing has come full circle. it started as a way to keep in better touch and now that i'm in better touch it's a little less necessary. oh, i'll probably continue to stop by and dump an occasional thought or insight, but it will probably just be a little less frequent than it was. which, when considering the date of my last post, is saying a lot.

final thoughts

2007-12-31T09:01:00.000-06:00

the year is coming to a close. reflection is something i find great satisfaction in, but something that i don't spend nearly enough time doing. i used to be really big into new years resolutions. it was the manifestation of my goal-setting, overly analytical right brain. i kind of put off resolutions in 2007. in some ways, i think i'm paying the price for that. looking back now, i'm not really sure what i accomplished this past year. i can pinpoint highlights, things i feel good about, but on a personal or professional level, i'm having trouble identifying anything truly significant that i moved through, overcame, accomplished, or otherwise gained momentum on.

i hope not to have that same sense of fogginess next december. i return to my resolutionary process, which includes one goal in five areas of my life: financial, professional, spiritual, physical, and relational. i'll set them in writing and figure out a way to measure if i accomplished them or not. then i'll set out on a journey - the same one i do each january 1 - to be more diligent and persistent about it than i have been in the past. hopefully this time i'll be able to press beyond that mid-february lull.

on another note, i recently read an article that talked about the scientific study of morality and where it originates in the brain. it was a very interesting read. throughout it though, i was less impressed with the scientific advances that allow us to pinpoint exactly how the brain reacts when we are posed with moral choices than i was with the implication that morality is, at some level, innate in all of us. whether we choose to make the right choices or not is overshadowed by the implications of sin and our default tendency to be drawn toward poor decisions. however, the idea that we're equipped with the ability to choose wisely is one that apparently extends beyond mere christianity and into the world of scientific theory. is it the evolutionary process exhibiting itself, or just further evidence of God's craftmanship in our complexity? i choose the latter.

"for grossly imperfect creatures like us, morality may be the steepest of all developmental mountains. our opposable thumbs and big brains gave us the tools to dominate the planet, but wisdom comes more slowly than physical hardware. we surely have a lot of killing and savagery ahead of us before we fully civilize ourselves. the hope - a realistic one, perhaps - is that the struggles still to come are fewer than those left behind."
- excerpt from the article "what makes us moral" (time magazine, dec. 3, 2007)

wintery weather

2007-12-11T07:29:00.000-06:00

the ice is beautiful. should i feel guilty for wishing there was more of it? other parts of our state and the midwest got hit pretty bad. i feel for those who are struggling in it. we only had a light coating - just enough to produce unnecessary panic and hype for a little cold rain and less than .10". i admit that i was kind of looking forward to the office closing and spending a day at home. i was romanticized by the idea of losing power, lighting candles throughout the house, huddling by the fireplace, cooking over a fire, pulling my quilts out of the closet, and watching the ice glisten on the back porch. but, the warm front from the south kept temps right at or just above freezing, producing enough ice to make the sidewalks slick but little on the roadways.

through the course of the year, i forget how much i love winter. i love the twinkle lights that are up this time of year. i love the beauty of the snow falling. i love december for its holidays and parties and baked goods. i love the smell of our house when we have the fireplace going and the comfort of the heated blanket on our bed.

it's also reflective of how all of life is a balance, for just as i love the pure white snow fall, i hate the gray slushy mess it becomes once the cars have at it. though i love the warmth of our bed in the morning, i hate facing the inevitable chill that comes when i have to get out from under those covers and get ready for work. though i love the wrapped packages under the tree and hanging the ornaments i've collected over the years, i hate the crowded stores and having to tear the tree down and pack it away after christmas.

all of life is give and take. wherever there is beauty there is simultaneously ugliness. wherever there is joy and love, there is also pain and suffering. wherever there is hope and laughter, there is grieving and crying.

for everything there is a season.

"for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die. a time to plant and a time to harvest. a time to kill and a time to heal. a time to tear down and a time to build up. a time to cry and a time to laugh. a time to grieve and a time to dance. a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. a time to embrace and a time to turn away. a time to search and a time to quit searching. a time to keep and a time to throw away. a time to tear and a time to mend. a time to be quiet and a time to speak. a time to love and a time to hate. a time for war and a time for peace." - ecclesiastes 3:1-8

combating the mundane

2007-11-12T18:51:00.000-06:00

"normally, we allow enthusiasm to elude us when we are involved in mundane activities, those that have no importance at all in the overall scale of our existence. we lose our enthusiasm because of the small and unavoidable defeats we suffer during the good fight. and since we don't realize that enthusiasm is a major strength, able to help us win the ultimate victory, we let it dribble through our fingers; we do this without recognizing that we are letting the true meaning of our lives escape us. we blame the world for our boredom and for our loses, and we forget that it was we ourselves who allowed this enchanting power, which justifies everything, to diminish."

- paulo coelho, the pilgrimage

it could be worse

2007-10-31T12:28:00.000-05:00

we're in the middle of a financial sermon series at church. most of these types of series are pretty standard - spend less, save more, give more, be good stewards, yada yada. they always end up sometime in october as well, presumably because churches are trying to budget for the next fiscal year and need to remind people about the importance of faithfulness heading into that budgeting season. still, i like these types of series. there's something very practical about the application of biblical financial principals that i find helpful.

toward the end of sunday's sermon, pastor adam challenged us to be content. he suggested that whenever we find ourselves discontent we should just remind ourselves that it could be worse.

"it could be worse."

yes, i'm buying the malt-o-meal brand of bagged cereals (something i said i wouldn't do after growing up on the off brand cereal and envying those kids whose families indulged on the toy-in-the-box, fanciful cartoon mascot, sugary delights that kellogg's pushed). but, it could be worse. i could be staring at cupboards that are empty and reflective of an empty, growling stomach.

yes, we're renting a duplex though i'm desperate to own my own house, but it could be worse. i could be living out of my car or in some homeless shelter.

yes, i find myself disliking the 6:00 alarm that goes off, prompting me to get my lazy rear out of bed and spend some time on the treadmill, but it could be worse. i could be laid up in some hospital, wishing i could get up and walk around.

yes, i find myself sometimes daydreaming about the lottery and what i would do with all that money, wishing i could indulge my true interests rather than spending 40 hours at a job i'm underpaid for, but it could be worse. at least i have a job (and one that i like pretty well at that) that provides for all of our needs and allows chris to focus on finishing up his degree.

it's amazing how just dwelling on what you do have instead of what you don't can change your discontentment into a sense of blessing and gratitude.

i also found myself wondering at what point can you no longer say "it could be worse." at some point there has to be a bottom. what is that point? is it the child in sudan making his way to a refugee camp after seeing his entire village slaughtered? is it the father/husband who is the lone survivor of a car crash that took his wife and two kids? is it the vivacious career woman who hears her doctor say the words terminal cancer? where is that barometer? does it change according to the person or is there a universal standard for the absolute lowest a person can get?

the price of pleasure

2007-10-25T07:29:00.000-05:00

hyperbolic discounting - (def.) the human tendency to prefer smaller payoffs now over larger payoffs later.

normally i don't like to listen to christian radio, but when we're in c's car he tends to have it on. last weekend as we drove through the bluffs of missouri on the way to my parents' house, we were listening to this counseling call-in show. the topic of the day was hyperbolic discounting, or our universal flaw of seeking immediate satisfaction now rather than making better decisions for the long run. though i had never heard of the term before, the concept seemed strangely familiar.

i think i'm queen when it comes to the "act now, deal later" approach to life. i'd much rather buy that pair of pants on sale now and figure out how i'll pay for it later. or, i'm great at putting off things that really need to get done in order to watch just a little more tv or surf the net just a little longer. and, don't get me started on the "eat cake now, work it off later" cycle that plagues my waistline.

imagine the condition i would be in if i reversed that approached and focused more on the long-term implications of my decisions rather than the short-term moments of pleasure. what do i lose, really, by passing on fleeting and temporary desires in return for future financial stability, health and spiritual reward? wouldn't it be more prudent to invest my time and resources into things that have a greater impact than two minutes of chocolatey indulgence?

for years i was a new year's resolution guru. i had a specific system of setting new year's resolutions and measuring how well i did on them. i've kind of let that go by the wayside in the last two or three years. as the holidays approach and '08 is on the horizon, i think it's time to return to my roots, this time with a more intentional goal of forsaking the temporal for something greater.

craving ice cream

2007-10-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

have you ever had something that you wanted so badly, but that always seemed just out of your reach? it's as if everyone around you is enjoying heaping waffle cones of cherry chocolate chunk ice cream (with whipped cream and nuts), but you can't quite figure out where they got them. you ask, but no one seems to give you the right answers for getting your own. you hope your eyes don't betray you as you tell others how happy you are for them - and, indeed, you are happy for them as they are having a great time enjoying theirs - but, your happiness for them is tainted by your wish for one too.

contentment is a tricky thing. on the one hand, it is good to be content and to accept where you are. on the other hand, to be content is to stall on striving for more. the risk of contentment is complacency, and complacency is a dangerous road to travel.

the busy season

2007-09-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

we've hit a patch of busy and are trying to keep up. it feels like every night this week and the past couple weekends, we've had stuff going on. on top of that, things are busy at work and i've got several consulting gigs in the hopper. most of it is all good stuff - birthday parties for grandparents, hanging out with friends, visiting with family, a 5k for charity, bible study group, etc., but i'm ready for it to slow down a little. some people thrive on being pushed and having constant deadlines or on lots of social stuff, but i'm the type of person that really needs downtime. without it, i begin to get worn down, discouraged and cranky. perhaps its a fault of those of us who tend to be (and like to be) homebodies.

last night i dreamt that c. and i owned a house. in the front of the house he ran a daycare business, and we lived in the back half of the house. in that set-up, i dreamt that we had zero privacy. people were always using our back door as the door to drop off their kids. parents were constantly walking through. even when the doors were locked and shades were drawn, people were knocking on the doors and shaking the handles. everyone wanted in when all i wanted was just a little quiet.

i'm so glad it's friday. even though we have a full weekend again, tonight is clear. and even though i'll probably use the time to work on my consulting stuff, at least i'll be home.

turning a new leaf

2007-09-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

there's a hint of late fall in the air this morning. the low last night was in the low 40's, almost calling for and additional blanket on the bed. this is absolutely my favorite time of the year. i love the feel of fall. i love the leaves changing color. i love the holidays on the horizon, but not yet at their peak craziness. i love the idea of visiting the apple orchards. i love pulling out my fuzzy slippers from the closet where they've been stored since last march. i love the smell of the first fire in the fireplace. i love dusting off my winter wardrobe, which i far prefer to my summer one.

it makes me want to sip hot spiced cider, watch little women, and stay under the covers for as long as possible.

a tangled web we weave

2007-09-12T07:36:00.000-05:00

this morning i was reading about this phenomenon whereby hundreds of varieties of spiders have come together to weave a massive web over a state park pond in texas. this is unusual in that spiders are typically loners, and often canibalistic. scientists believe that the abundance of summer rains (and as a result, the abundance of mosquitoes and other food) reduced their competition with one another and allowed for a community of cooperation. together, with one giant web, they are able to catch more food than one could do alone.

that got me thinking about community. several years ago, robert putnam authored a book called bowling alone which decried the decline of neighborhoods and relationships. his premise was that we are so wrapped up in ourselves in this day and age that we no longer focus on building relationships with our neighbors/friends and give of ourselves to others. in that self-absorption we find loneliness and isolation, and in that isolation and loneliness we live unsatisfying lives. his call was for us to become more engaged in the community - through service and by building relationships.

this past sunday, pastor adam preached on friendship and its importance in the life of a growing christian. he talked about the value of solid friends who call you on the carpet when you're wrong, who support you when you cry, who laugh with you during moments of happiness, who you can call in the middle of the night if you have to. he reminded us of the importance of friends, and reminded us that it is not good for any of us to be alone. his words made me think of my own life and how i have a lot of friends, but very few close friends.

i know i've blogged before on this subject, but it continues to be on my mind. i'm convinced that the most meaningful friendships i will have ever experienced were in college. in part it's because of the environment there. at no other time will i be surrounded by friends who live, study, work and hang out together. at college i was also surrounded by friends who were at the same stage in their lives - all single, all young, all energetic. i miss those times and the friendships i had back then. today, though i have friends i care deeply about, i only see them every once in a while. we're all in different stages - some single, some married, some married with kids, some working, some homemakers, some even retired. it's so much harder, particularly for people like me who tend to be wall flowers.

i'm struck at times like these when a single common theme keeps popping up in my life. it's obvious to me that my recognition of the recent themes of relationships and friendships - and my need to invest in them - is a call to action. i'm just not sure where to start.

a crisis of faith

2007-09-02T07:09:00.000-05:00

i've been reading some excerpts from the personal confessions of mother teresa, which were recently released as part of the effort to canonize her in the catholic faith. reading the thoughts and inner turmoil of one of the 20th century's most iconic religious figures has been very thought provoking. i was surprised to learn that she struggled most of her life and ministry with an utter aloneness, a deep spiritual despair, and at times a doubt that God even existed. and yet despite this turmoil, mother teresa continued her mission to the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick.

despite her deep convictions, her regular religious practices, and her commitment to serve Jesus by serving others, mother teresa found herself pleading for communion with God but met with silence. and, unknown to all but her confessors, that silence created much doubt, self-loathing and skepticism.

"where is my faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness - my God - how painful is this unknown pain - i have no faith - i dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart - and make me suffer untold agony." - mother teresa, in an undated letter addressed to Jesus

it wasn't always like this for her. at the start of her ministry the letters reveal a clear calling, a deep spiritual connection to God. and, midway through her darkness there was about a five-week period where she regained that sense of God's hand. but save for those periods, these letters reveal that for most of her life and ministry she didn't feel God's presence.

i couldn't help but wonder why. the article i've been reading has offered some theories, one including that self-loathing and despair was her defense mechanism against pride in the midst of the attention and accolades she drew. one theory suggests that she was so close to Christ that she felt the same abandonment that Christ felt on the cross. and, of course, there's the theory of the atheists who are clinging to this as evidence that there is no God and even the most religious know it at heart. my theory is that her abandonment of all things material for service to the poor was voluntary, and that through her spiritual sense of despair, wanting and darkness she was better able to understand the plight of the needy and dying she served in the gutters of calcutta - truly the poor in spirit.

finally, as i've been reading i've been thinking about my own personal spirituality. i could describe many a season where God's presence in my life has felt silent and faded, where my prayers seemed empty. but those times tended to be times where i had withdrawn myself from him, not during periods of commitment to his service. they have been times when i wasn't faithful in bible study and prayer, where church felt like an obligation, and i was far more concerned with myself than others. if i were honest, i would have to admit that i'm in one of those seasons now - a self-inflicted sentence of spiritual dryness as a result of personal complacency. i feel convicted about that and am working on changing that course.

in the end, all of this pondering has helped me to realize that maybe faith is just hope laced with fear. hope that all you have come to believe is really true despite a lack of hard evidence to that fact, and fear that maybe it isn't. and it is that subtle fear that makes you cling even harder to the hope that is faith.

"i have come to love the darkness - for i believe now that it is part of a very, very small part of Jesus' darkenss and pain on earth. Jesus can't go anymore through the agony - but he wants to go through it in me." - mother teresa to rev. joseph neuner (1961)

blast from the past

2007-08-22T12:54:00.000-05:00

do you ever have those experiences where you think, "there's no way that was a coincidence"? i was out sick yesterday, so when i got into the office today one of the first things i did was check my voicemail. i started listening to one message and thought "this sounds a lot like julie." julie was a colleague/friend that i knew from my days back at united way. though we worked at different agencies, our efforts often overlapped. when i quit united way to head to spain, julie and i caught a bit of dinner after work to talk about it. she had been in the peace corps and had a great deal of insight to share. she's just one of those people whose personality is so genuine you can't help but want to call her friend.

when i was flying to spain i had a layover in detroit. it was my last stop in the united states before heading overseas. traveling alone, apprehensive, and unsure of what i should expect, i headed to the international gate for my flight. as i got near, who did i see walking in the terminal? julie. she was traveling back to kc from a wedding. i don't think God could've placed any better person in my path at that moment. we sat and chatted for about half and hour. as absurd as it was that i would see her in detroit at that very moment, it was exactly the reassurance i needed to board that plane.

that terminal conversation was the last time i saw julie. i lost track of her after i returned to the states. i often wondered what happened to her, but google searches proved unfruitful. perhaps that's why it struck me familiar as i listened to that voicemail this morning. i continued through the message from this lady wanting to know how to donate used items to our family support center until i got to the point where the woman gave me her contact info. i was stunned when i discovered that it was julie! she probably didn't know who she was leaving the message for (she would've known me by my maiden name), but i was so excited to give her a call back.

it's been years since i've talked with her, and though we weren't close friends she played a pivitol role in preparing me for my spanish adventure. it was refreshing to get to know her. it was intervention to run into her in detroit. it was a blessing to hear from her again today.

when i told my boss this story today, she made a great, hopeful observation: maybe julie and i were just meant to be friends.

ships passing in the night

2007-08-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

chris started his new job tonight. this position was a real answer to prayer, especially after the job he thought he had set up and confirmed fell through. it's a good little part-time gig with bank of america that works great with his school schedule. the disadvantage is that it's in the evenings. it's only been one day and i already find myself trying to adjust to our new schedule. the house is particularly quiet without him around. i'm hopeful that once we get into the groove, we'll be able to at least connect face to face each day. as it is now, he's still sleeping by the time i leave for work, and by the time i get home, he's already on his way to work and coming home past what is typically my bedtime. what's that saying about ships passing in the night?

in addition to adjusting our marriage to the new schedule, i'm also faced with upping my self-discipline. it's so easy to snack around all night because i'm bored or lay on the couch flipping channels all evening just because i can. i am aware that i need to set some boundaries for myself to ensure that i use my new alone time productively and wisely. (that's not to say there isn't an occasional chick flick and bowl of popcorn in my future...)

i'm hopeful that these next five or so months will go quickly so that he can graduate in december and we can begin our post-college adventure.

2007-08-19T08:39:00.000-05:00

absurdity in the middle of the night

i was walking down a long, dimly lit corridor toward a row of pay phones. the phones were old style, the kind that makes the clanging "chink" sound as you pluck your quarter in. i chose the second in a row of eight. i remember the line of phones being full, as if those phones were people's only connection to the world outside that corridor. i dug in my pocket for change, which is funny because i hate change and hardly ever carry it. my fingers found the quarter and dropped it in the slot.

this is where it really got weird.

suddenly the phone started spitting out quarters. given a different setting, you'd think i had dropped a coin into the quarter slot at argosy and hit it big time. everyone in the row of phones stopped and looked over. i remember blushing terribly, fearful that they thought i was some unsavory character trying to purge the phone of its cash. i gathered up the coinage and what was left of my coveted anonymity, and headed to what looked like a series of three teller windows at the end of the corridor.

i stepped up to the first window where a large woman with a tall blonde beehive was sitting, chomping away on what was probably three-hour old gum. i nervously explained to her my story - that i was just trying to make a call, i didn't mean to get all this money from the phone, i'm a good person (honest!), and i just want to make the situation right. her response came in the form of some unintelligible language (pig latin perhaps?). i tried to communicate, but simply couldn't get through. i looked over her shoulder at another teller who just rolled her eyes.

in the end, i think that i was able to turn in the phone bounty to the other teller and rush away in utter embarrassment at the whole situation. i can't quite remember that part. at that point i'm sure this one was fading and slipping into another, equally pointless and strange subconscious adventure.

weird dreams = weird blog entries.

2007-08-15T20:49:00.001-05:00

so, i finally ventured into the world of facebook. man alive, one could seriously waste hours on end there. it was fun searching for old college friends or friends long since faded. maybe i'll have the chance to reconnect with a few.

it did get me thinking, though, about how much personal info our generation puts out for public consumption. blogging, myspace, facebook, youtube ... are we losing our sense of privacy or is the face of the way we relate to each other changing altogether? how much info about yourself on the web is too much? is it healthy to spend so much time on these things, and are they safe?

nonetheless, i find myself guarded on one hand and blindly typing and uploading with the other.

2007-08-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

likes:
peace and quiet
lindt truffles
a clean house
feeling rested
bread pudding at hereford house
helping 580 kids get school supplies
the smell of fabric softener
"the pursuit of happyness"
air conditioning
handmade quilts

dislikes:
irresponsible people
112 degree heat indexes
overwhelming to do lists
tragedy after tragedy
dealing with the insurance company
being late for work
upset stomachs
when recipes don't work out like i hoped they would
email spam
event planning

2007-08-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

two years ago today i stood behind those doors, holding onto my dad's arm and ready to walk into the unknown. as the doors opened, i saw the faces of my friends and family briefly before focusing in on the face of the man that would be my husband. little did i know at that moment exactly where that walk down the aisle would lead. i was hopeful it was the path to happiness, cognizant of the fact that trials and obstacles would be faced along the way, and full of faith that the God who had led me thus far would help me know how to step into my new role as wife.

it's hard to believe that it has been two years. in many ways it seems like a blur. in many ways it seems as if it's been in slow motion. in every way it has seemed undoubtedly right.

2007-08-06T22:00:00.001-05:00

a little tranquility for the first-day-back-to-work-after-vacation craziness...

hiking the florissant national fossil beds

chris the conqueror (garden of the gods)
cave of the winds inspiration:
"dreams of mountains as in their sleep they brood on things eternal"

the base of alberta falls in rocky mountain national park

checking out the view from the royal gorge bridge

emerald lake near long's peak
at garden of the gods
air force academy chapel
colorado springs w/ the range and garden of the gods
siamese twin rock

2007-07-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

we're headed on vacation starting saturday, and i absolutely cannot wait. it's been over a year since i've had a real vacation - one that doesn't involved kansas or missouri in any way - and i feel long overdue. we're spending a week in the mountains of colorado - seeing the sites, hiking the trails, breathing in the air. i'm one of those types who thrives on getting out of town. there's something about seeing your work, your responsibilities, the demands of others in your rearview mirror that is so therapeutic. not having many of those opportunities in the last year has been a bit draining.

i've been thinking a lot about spain lately. isn't it funny how the experiences you seem to believe are unforgettable and life changing can wain and fade with a little time and distance? it was four years ago this august when i quit my job at united way and left for my little three-month adventure. lately i've been trying to recall the faces of the children i worked with in the preschool, the layout of alfa y omega, the walk into town, the view and feel of the beaches there. i'm trying to remember the people i met, the sounds of their voices, their laughter. i'm seeking memories of the sites of barcelona and the paths of madrid. i'm trying to recall the first feelings of complete independence i gained during my travels, and the excitement (and apprehension) that they brought. these are things i don't want to forget, but yet they are so hazy.

how many more of my life experiences - the best and worst days of my life, the moments that have defined who i've become - will also wain and fade with time? is there anything i can do to prevent it?

2007-07-18T16:03:00.000-05:00

here it comes again

tomorrow is the big 31. i'll no longer be 30, i'll be in my low 30's. i know its a subtle change, but somehow it feels different. other than the momentary reflection of another year gone by, birthdays aren't quite what they used to be. there used to be such a sense of anticipation. perhaps it was just childish naivete thinking birthdays were more about cake, presents and parties than inner reflection, one more passing year, apprehension and cautious excitement about the year to come. having said that, i'm excited about going out to lunch with my co-workers and about a quiet evening at home. the latter may seem lame to my socialite friends, but it's a welcomed gift for these recent days that have seemed so frazzled and stressful.

2007-07-09T09:43:00.000-05:00

i've always thought it would be great to be an artist. there's something about it that is cultured, innovative, creative and enduring. unfortunately, i don't have much of a knack for it. oh, i've tried. i took a painting class in college, but no matter how hard i tried my works never turned out like they looked in my mind. i also took a stained glass class, but found that my pieces were rough at best (and i kept cutting my fingers!). in the last couple years i've found some solace in desktop publishing and graphic arts, but even that seems to be cheating a little. after all, photoshop, dreamweaver and indesign do most of the work.

every once in a while i wish away a moment or two wondering what skill i would choose if given the chance to be "ordained" an artist. would i choose watercolor? would i choose music, perhaps a master dulcimer musician or classical guitarist? i think that i've come to the conclusion that if given my genie in the bottle wish, i'd choose photography.

i love amazing photos. i love they way they capture reality, humanity, pain and joy. i love the way they document and preserve a moment. i love the creative eye, capturing something the naked eye missed. i find myself idling away on sites like istock, this week in pictures, and the sites of my friends who are skilled in this area.

i'm glad that others have these skills even if i don't so that i can at least admire and enjoy their work. perhaps one day their influences will somehow push me to excel and be content in the areas i know best.

2007-06-25T08:48:00.001-05:00

sorry i haven't posted anything substantial lately. summer is turning out to be a busy time. we seem to have plans every weekend, and often during the week. it's mostly fun stuff, but even the fun stuff can be exhausting when indulged in high doses.

what happened to the hazy, lazy dog days of summer? sitting on the porch swing drinking iced tea and shooting the breeze has been replaced by camping trips and fishing trips and community theatre. we find ourselves at barbeques and summer blockbuster movies and fireworks displays. i've been planning (or perhaps over-planning) our "big" vacation at the end of july - a week in colorado taking in pike's peak and the royal gorge and garden of the gods and rocky mountain national park. and as absolutely excited as i am about an official getaway vacation, i already find myself exhausted at the thought of returning to unpacking, grocery shopping, oil change, and the umpteen million emails that will be waiting in my inbox when i return to work on that monday.

this morning i find myself longing for a quiet afternoon under a willow tree, branches swaying slightly in the breeze, fresh lemonade in one hand, fried chicken in the other, and an indulgent nap on an oversized plaid blanket as the occasional cloud rolls by.

ah. the dog days of summer.

2007-06-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

what? a site for the chronically introspective? oh the time i could waste here.

incidentally, i'm most like mr. smith goes to washington ("determining and doing the right thing is the foundation of your personality"). or so they say...