life on the fence: a crisis of faith

i've been reading some excerpts from the personal confessions of mother teresa, which were recently released as part of the effort to canonize her in the catholic faith. reading the thoughts and inner turmoil of one of the 20th century's most iconic religious figures has been very thought provoking. i was surprised to learn that she struggled most of her life and ministry with an utter aloneness, a deep spiritual despair, and at times a doubt that God even existed. and yet despite this turmoil, mother teresa continued her mission to the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick.

despite her deep convictions, her regular religious practices, and her commitment to serve Jesus by serving others, mother teresa found herself pleading for communion with God but met with silence. and, unknown to all but her confessors, that silence created much doubt, self-loathing and skepticism.

"where is my faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness - my God - how painful is this unknown pain - i have no faith - i dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart - and make me suffer untold agony." - mother teresa, in an undated letter addressed to Jesus

it wasn't always like this for her. at the start of her ministry the letters reveal a clear calling, a deep spiritual connection to God. and, midway through her darkness there was about a five-week period where she regained that sense of God's hand. but save for those periods, these letters reveal that for most of her life and ministry she didn't feel God's presence.

i couldn't help but wonder why. the article i've been reading has offered some theories, one including that self-loathing and despair was her defense mechanism against pride in the midst of the attention and accolades she drew. one theory suggests that she was so close to Christ that she felt the same abandonment that Christ felt on the cross. and, of course, there's the theory of the atheists who are clinging to this as evidence that there is no God and even the most religious know it at heart. my theory is that her abandonment of all things material for service to the poor was voluntary, and that through her spiritual sense of despair, wanting and darkness she was better able to understand the plight of the needy and dying she served in the gutters of calcutta - truly the poor in spirit.

finally, as i've been reading i've been thinking about my own personal spirituality. i could describe many a season where God's presence in my life has felt silent and faded, where my prayers seemed empty. but those times tended to be times where i had withdrawn myself from him, not during periods of commitment to his service. they have been times when i wasn't faithful in bible study and prayer, where church felt like an obligation, and i was far more concerned with myself than others. if i were honest, i would have to admit that i'm in one of those seasons now - a self-inflicted sentence of spiritual dryness as a result of personal complacency. i feel convicted about that and am working on changing that course.

in the end, all of this pondering has helped me to realize that maybe faith is just hope laced with fear. hope that all you have come to believe is really true despite a lack of hard evidence to that fact, and fear that maybe it isn't. and it is that subtle fear that makes you cling even harder to the hope that is faith.

"i have come to love the darkness - for i believe now that it is part of a very, very small part of Jesus' darkenss and pain on earth. Jesus can't go anymore through the agony - but he wants to go through it in me." - mother teresa to rev. joseph neuner (1961)