life on the fence

when i was a kid, our family owned a bunch of gerbils. initially we started off with just two, but as gerbils do they grew in numbers and soon we had several litters of babies to entertain us. i remember being facinated by them.

the cage we kept them in had one of those metal wheels that the gerbils could climb in and run on. they ran in that thing all the time (when they weren't making more babies, that is). i wonder what was going through their little brains while they were running. were they content just spinning around in place, or did they long for something a little bit more?

i tend to go through this up and down cycle. i haven't pinpointed the root of it yet, perhaps it's just a defect in my personality. i find myself fine and content one day, and then the next feeling like i'm just running in place with no real sense of direction. in those stationary wheel moments, i long for new adventure, stimulation, challenge, and a break from the norm. i find myself discouraged and discontent with tasks that seem so menial. i get frustrated that i've pigeonholed myself into seemingly insignifcant roles. i find myself questioning my purpose and whether i'm living up to my potential.

the phase will eventually pass and i'll be content again, oppositely pleased that i've chosen roles that may be less than what i could achieve but that lack the levels of pressure and intensity that higher roles bring. but, i don't think the feeling of wandering purposelessness ever really escapes the back of my mind. i'm left wondering if this occasional discontent is just part of life, or if it's an indicator that somewhere along the way i got on the wrong path and need to find my way back.